From Chaos to Order.

The other night I was busy working out how many days worth of medicine I had left. As I was counting the tablets in their packets it occurred to me how strange it was to see something so neat and orderly that is directly related something that is so incredibly disruptive and chaotic. It's like these little tablets and the sterilized packages stored in this specific structure, in a way, represent their purpose. To return my brain to the what is I suppose,  considered a 'normal' state. To bring the chaos back to order.

It's hard for me to explain.. in fact I did try to explain it to a friend I live with but I couldn't get the right words out so instead we just ended up discussing the funny/horrible noises the packets make... as you do. Not being able to find the right words to explain things is becoming more and more of a problem for me. Which I suppose is one of the main reasons I've turned to images to try and get across feelings etc related to experiences of Epilepsy. It helps a lot. Whether people read in them the ideas I was aiming to portray I don't now but it works for me. When I produce an image of an idea it takes it from the jumbled mess that is my brain and puts it into the physical space. Something I can see and feel which in turn allows it somehow makes more sense. 

Maybe these can begin to explain what I was trying to say. Or maybe not.

YES.

These arrived yesterday.

Gig tickets. I haven't been for a night out in far to long!! I CANNOT WAIT.

It will be interesting to see how it goes though. Now I'm not saying you have to to drink to have a good time or anything but, I do like a couple from time to time... I am a student afterall! I can't drink much though which is more of a choice that I've made than anything else. I'm 'allowed' to drink on the medicine I'm taking but I HAVE to remember that anything I do drink whilst taking them will have the affect of drinking three times as much. So one vodka and coke will have the effect of a triple vodka and coke. Plus drinking alcohol heightens the chances of a seizure which of course makes me nervous. Just imagine a jam packed club with loud music, people everywhere then having a seizure in amongst it all. Embarrasing for one and just plain horrible for another.

Like I said I really can't wait though, it will be some much needed time to have some fun. Hopefully I can just put all worries to the back of my mind and just enjoy the night !! :D

One Morning.

Wednesday morning was rather testing. 

During the course of the morning I had a doctors appointment. It didn't exactly go spiffingly well... I mentioned the newer - I'll call them symptoms for now- including the sudden dizziness which lasts for no more than a few seconds but totally knocks me sideways as it were. Also how my memory really has got shockingly awful lately. Just the other day I was asked to write a date down, it took me asking at least four times for it to be repeated. Not Good. It's funny I can remember it perfectly well now. Meeting,12PM 8th of March. :/ Plus how some days I can't stand up without feeling all fuzzy and like I'm going to fall over, kind of like when you have an horrible hangover and you will do ANYTHING not to move! Again not good. After mentioning all this, I asked if they could just be some side effects of the medicine that have just taken a while to catch up with me.. (and hoped for yes as an answer) His response was to tell me they could be, in which case I have to decide if they are better to live with for the moment than the seizures I'm used to. Which believe me it is. And something about not wanting to mess with my Keppra dosage to much at the moment which is fair enough.  But then went on to say he'd write a letter the neurologist to inform them of these recent occurrences and try to bring my tests forward... didn't exactly fill me with confidence. Shocked me a little. As much as I really do want my tests to hurry up it's a bitter sweet feeling. It could go well or very very bad. So no more answers again. I know there probably won't be any answers. Maybe ever. The term 'Limbo' comes to mind. I didn't leave in the best of moods.

So yes that wasn't exactly the best start to the morning. I also went up to uni were I proceeded to  demonstrate this new 'loosing my balance' thing and headbutted a door frame... which was fun..so now I'm walking around sporting and ever so lovely bruise right on the side of my face in plain view for everyone...GREAT!! When this happens I usually catch myself before I fall if that makes sense it was just unfortunate that the door frame was not quite far enough away from me at the time. Oh well better luck next time! 

I also had a dissertation tutorial... pretty sure I'm not going to make the deadline. Which is a shame. But my tutor did seem to be pleased with the progress I've made since our last tutorial :) which gave me a much needed confidence boost. Advice is to work as hard as I can on it towards the deadline and see where it's at when the time comes. 

Well time to listen to some decent music... I'm feeling a bit of Radiohead tonight :D

Polaroid.

Wooo ok so after many years of being jealous of anyone who had one I finally clicked the purchase button on a Polaroid camera on good old Ebay. :D 

I was very happy to see it sitting on the doorstep greeting me home from an pretty rubbish morning. It's so cute and I've been promised its in full working order which is always a good start I suppose..

Now my task is to buy some film that doesn't mean spending my entire student loan... could be a bit a of a mission.. but then there is the Impossible Project <---- AWESOME stuff by the way! 

I can't wait until I can get my hands on some film and start shooting. There's plenty of experimenting to be done!! Ok yes it's a VERY expensive way to photograph but for me the appearance of Polaroids totally out shines the cost!! I can see my self dragging it around festivals, walks and random outings etc during the summer :D

General whinging..

I've been exhausted today. Which meant a lot of lying down and thinking time. Which is good and bad really. Good because I have lots of arty idea's flying around my mind at the moment which is awesome, and bad because I have a few worries. I keep losing my balance which is a newer thing for me. The days were I get super dizzy and generally feel fuzzy when I stand up so end up just trying my best not to move to much all day are getting more frequent too, which isn't giving me the best of confidence. Hopefully they're just some weird side-effects of my medicine- Keppra.  

The doctors appointment I've been waiting for for well over a week after having a rather sharp conversation with him over the phone last week is tomorrow. I'm dreading it. Firstly I have a feeling it might be awkward because I turned into a complete angry babbling wreck over the phone which is what prompted him to ask me to make an appointment in the first place then there's the issue of telling him these newer things that have been happening. I'm suppose I'm most scared that he will tell me they might be other forms of seizure. Which, if he does, I have no idea how I'm going to react. But like I said hopefully they're just side effects that have taken a while to catch up with me. I just don't know. Which if I think about it is probably whats bothering me the most. Not knowing.

I also have a dissertation tutorial tomorrow. Again this is good and bad. Good because I have been wanting one for a while as I have soo many questions to ask and I can check that I'm heading down the right path and writing the right kinf of stuff. But bad because I still have SO MUCH TO WRITE!!! It's hard because I want to write and the subject I'm researching is sooo interesting and very much related to my project work so I have a tonne of research. But trying to focus through a fuzzy brain and constant disruption is not exactly the easiest thing in the world when it comes to putting my research into words. I just hope that my tutor won't see me as being so far behind I'm not likely to get it done in time... Plus this tutorial is straight after my doctors appointment which makes me hope even more the appointment goes well!!!

Oh siiiiigh tense times much.. time to lie down again I think :)

Vapour.

Over the last few nights while trying to sleep I've been finding myself trying to think of metaphors to describe what it's like to live with this 'tense atmosphere' hanging over you at all times. The term metaphor was very much used when it came to my description of my work, came up in my assessment and keeps appearing in research I've been looking into. As I lay there I struggled with trying to come up with anything itself. Which then lead me to wondering how much the medicine I take may well be dampening my brain as it were. Especially when it comes to creativity. The following morning after a shower I went to look into the mirror but of course it was covered with condensation from the steam which rendered my reflection unrecognisable. And bam it hit me. There was a metaphor right in front of my face. The brain dampening affect of my medicine, the slightly hazy outlook on future and the misty state of confusion that follows a seizure, amongst other things, all seemed to come together when staring at my unrecognisable reflection in the mirror.

It's funny how things come to you. The amount of times I must have gone to look in the mirror after showering and not once did it ever occur to me how much it could represent!

So mist as a metaphor. It works for me, well for now at least. I'll play around with the idea see what comes up :)

This is a photograph I took earlier today with these ideas in mind. The bathroom window as condensation clings to the surface of the patterned glass obscuring the outside view.

I suppose it would be a good idea to actually play around with photographing the mirror itself... I feel some serious experimentation coming up!!

Elusive.

Obviously it's different for everyone but some music just does something to you. It somehow relates to areas of your life or your thoughts on certain subjects and seem to evoke emotions that take you straight back there or lyrics that describe exactly what your were thinking.

This is Elusive by Scott Matthews. I've heard it many times before but recently a friend suggested I listen to it. So I did and boom it took me straight into a place where I could just sit back and relax and let my thoughts run away with me. I can't put my finger on exactly why though. It just does. :)

The assessment.

I had my assessment yesterday... I think it went quite well :) well I left with a smile on my face anyway :D!

I can't put into words how nervous I was... PLUS I totally forgot to take my medicine or have any breakfast... not the best idea when combined with nerves!! I only came to realise my slight mistake when I was pretty much at uni so I didn't exactly have the time to run back home and take them.. and I knew I would be back home within an hour anyway. Good news is, I didn't decide to throw myself on the floor at any point, which, as much as that would have been the perfect presentation of the nature of subject of my work I am very glad!!!

Obviously it was a formal situation but it was more relaxed than I thought it was going to be. I was imagining standing up in front of my tutors and quivering like a leaf and not being able to get any words out... as you do..! OOOO and this, as much as it's a weird thing to bring up, made it that much more easier for me to calm down... I got to sit down!! Now this may seem a small issue but I have been having some distinct balance issues of late which until I knew I could sit down I didn't realise how much of my nerves were down to something as simple as that! Took a load of that's for sure. HAAAA get it??? yeahhh.... 

Of course there was the matter of presenting itself when it comes to my memory. Usually when you present something you have your presentation up on the screen and you click through the slides and talk over them explaining what they have on them etc. Some people just use bullet points they have included in the slides to let them remember what that need to say, others have prompt cards with points on that they need to put across to the audience. We've done numerous presentations in the past, and I was always someone that could just talk over the slides just using the info I had included in the slides to prompt me into remembering what to say.  

NOT. THIS. TIME. 

For this presentation, the first proper one I've had to do since seziures entered my life, I had to literally write myself a script of what I needed to say. I did try to talk over it with just notes to myself in a completely relaxed atmosphere where I wasn't nervous at all... but most of what I needed to say just vanished out of my head. I just couldn't take that chance of forgetting vital bits of information especially when I new I would be nervous on top of that and I wouldn't exactly have the chance to do it again! So a word by word script it was. To be honest I thought it would really bother me having to present in a different way to usual for myself.. but as much as it highlights just how much my memory has deteriorated, I'm getting used to just finding new ways to get around little obstacles in day to day life :) It doesn't bother me so much anymore. 

So now I just have to wait for my feedback. They did mention a few things I can start looking into briefly at the end of the assessment which is awesome. I'm so excited to progress everything further!

Also I finally got an epic letter from my doctor. Obviously I can't say what it says BUT I'm pretty sure I wont have my grades held back for late submission given what he's written.. :)

Well with that said, as much as I'd like to just switch off for a day, this dissertation isn't going to write itself!

XX

Lets focus on the good things!

Ok I'm not going to lie its been a hellish week. 

BUT I'm fed up of worrying about things that I don't have much control over plus I cant say on here whats gone on because it's to do with the NHS, my degree and my local health board... scary stuff.. way to grown up and stressful for me to deal with!!

So I shall focus on the GOOD THINGS this week :D

1. My assessment is Thursday and as much as I'm ultra nervous about it I'm also feeling a teeny bit confident!

2. I've actually managed to focus on my dissertation a bit! 

• There is an artist who's work I really admire and find incredibly fascinating. He also has epilepsy and creates work on the subject. He has taken time out of his life to share this thoughts and explain his work with me which I can't even say how much I appreciate. I'm writing about his work in my dissertation so for him to have done this is amazing :D!!! I feel all privileged :) I've just sent him a mini interview for some dissertation research which he said he is happy to answer! I can't wait to hear back!
• I have also arranged to meet another artist tomorrow at uni in person which again makes me feel really lucky! I can't wait to find out more about his work too!
• Plus I've read, highlighted and made notes on lots really interesting writings on the artist Bill Viola and as a result have started my comparison of each artist. :)
• My working title is "The representation of altered states of consciousness in art and photography" To be able to write my dissertation on a subject I'm truly passionate about is a real boost when it comes to trying to focus on getting work done amongst everything else.

 3. The sun came out for a tiny while this week. I know its only something small but it's surprising how much it affects mood! Saying that it is raining and very grey outside as I type... but Shhhhhhhh...

4. A couple of lovely people from my course have asked me if I want to live with them when we finish uni this summer!!!!!! Of course I said yes!!! Such a relief!!! We'll be nicely situated between Cardiff and Bristol so we get the best of both worlds art and connections wise. :D So excited!

OOOOO also a brilliant friend of mine has posted some of her work and ramblings of life (which I adore) on her blog Doodles go seeee!

Right time for a cup of tea I think :)

XX

A Need to Vent

Last night I couldn't sleep for ages because of tonnes of stuff flying around my mind so I'm just going to vent it all!

To say its been a roller coaster of a few days doesn't even come close..

There was some big confusion over handing in my Extenuating Circumstances form to uni without evidence as my doctor provided me with a letter that was completely wrong in the little information is actually contained. So its back to square one with that one but I can't speak to him again until Monday. Which meant that in order to hand in my EC form before the 10 working days deadline (which was yesterday) I had to hand in without evidence. I can't go into detail on here as it is an issue that affects my degree so pretty important but basically it took me numerous attempts to actually get someone to take it as iIwas given conflicting advice and so on. One person said yes hand it in without evidence and another person saying no that's not possible. blah blah blah.

So it turned into this big thing which in the end I had to inform my tutor of my troubles in a panicky sounding email. I don't know what he did but a short time later I received an email from someone clarifying what I should do. *Hand it in without evidence. It will be date stamped. Get your evidence in ASAP.* Fair enough. Case closed. Although I do have to say this was MY problem why I had to spread onto my extremely busy tutor I have no idea. I can't stand having to take up other peoples time when there really shouldn't have been any need. 

Anyway it was all very stressful as like I said before its effects my degree!!

Plus I don't find out if I was successful until April....which is fair enough I know these things take time but urghhh. ANOTHER wait. Fabulous. And if I'm not successful well I don't know what I do... Tense. 

I'm just so fed up of being messed around. Straight answers anywhere in life seem to be like gold dust at the moment. I didn't realise I could cause such grief. Everything no matter how simple seems to turn into a battle!

I'm not an angry person and if only to get it off my mind I'll say this. It scared me. In the moment I sent the email to my tutor I was at the point of not caring about my work anymore. I just wanted to take my assessment and accept whatever grade and couldn't care less about what grade it was. It's exhausting and a constant struggle to even keep up with the requirements of the course both academically and physically. It may seem little to some but for me the work load is immense. I want to do the best I can and for the moment that also means trying to learn a tonne of new skills to get what I want from my work. But sometimes it seems that theres is always something trying to slow me down. I was ready to throw the towel in. Give up. Just leave. I found myself questioning why I didn't just defer a year. Almost angry at myself that I didn't.

It's funny how such a simple thing as handing in a form can lead to such emotional chaos. 

Anyway onwards and upwards... it's not all doom and gloom. My new assessement date is this Thursday. If I scrape a pass then I'll be SO SO happy.

XX

Song for the moment

I can't imagine life without music :) some songs seem to make anything seem ok!

Anyone who has heard the music that comes from my collection when set to 'random' can tell you there's quite a range on there!!

This is the one for me at the moment <3

Dan Black - Symphonies

XX

Good Morning :)

Good Morning :D

After a rough feeling few days I'm feeling all bright again :D

The weekend was not good. I don't really know why but I felt awful. In the -I can't stand up without needing to fall over- sense. Very strange feeling... ultra tired and like 'fizzy' hmmm. So I spent most of the time just lying on my bed trying to sleep but finding it impossible. There is nothing more frustrating than knowing that and feeling like you need to sleep and not being able to. Plus I'm not one for doing nothing for to long I get VERY BORED very easily.  But hey it's seems to have buggered off :D

I'm off to the doctors later to find out where a letter I NEED for my extenuating circumstances form has got to. It's been over a week since I spoke with the secretary there about it. It's just basically a doctors letter that explains why I need a little extra time for my uni work. Just to highlight side effects of medicine, terrible memory, tiredness etc etc JUST so they know I'm not making it up...

I'm feeling more than a little tense about it now as my hand-in was Monday the 1st of Feb and my EC form says I have 10 working days to hand it in after the deadline. Now I'm not a complete control freak but... I like to hand things in way before they're due JUST IN CASE!!!! ok so maybe I do like a teeeeny bit of control... :D

I'm not really sure what to say when I get there.. maybe something along the lines of "Hi... so this letter I asked for a fair while ago... please tell me where it is MY DEGREE DEPENDS ON IT!!!!" Orrr.... maybe not.

Wellll fingers crossed I'll get my hands on it VERY SOON!

XX

National Doodle Day - 11 Feb '11

 Here's a link to the website :)

National Doodle Day - 11 February 2011

Just thought I'd share :D

XX

Good Day :D

Whoops.. I slept way to long for the amount of stuff I have to do! But did wake up in a good and productive mood :D

Good news everyone ITS SUNNY!!!! Actual sunshine AND I didn't have to wear my scarf and stayed nice and warm!!! wooooooooo! This makes me very happy. Little things... :D So I popped out for a walk up to uni to pick up the video camera took a bit of a de-tour around Caerleon to take advantage of the nice weather. Lovely start to the day!

This is my To Do List...
and it doesn't stop there I also have a
close to a million post-it notes everywhere!



SO MUCH TO DO!!!! 








So music on!

• Radical face 

• Linkin Park

• The xx

• Bon Iver 

Mmmmmm good music will make for good and productive times :D

XX 

Hand-In.

Excuse me as I take this opportunity to ramble...

Yep so assessment hand-in was yesterday. I didn't hand-in. 

I had a meeting with one of my tutors on Friday where it was decided after a loooong discussion that I should  not sit the assessment. It's for the best. I was being naive I suppose. I was SO adamant that I didn't need extra time. But at the end of the day I do. I remember telling a friend a couple of weeks ago and they asked me if it was a matter of pride. I answered no. But now I think it was... 

At the beginning of the semester back in October/November I was having full blown seizures more than once a week, ending up in hospital on more than one occasion and having numerous medical appointments including seeing a neurologist 200 miles away! Also missing chunks of lectures because of absence seizures, and dealing with side affects of my medicine, not to mention how long it takes for me to absorb information and write lecture notes etc. My last TC seizure was only a week or so ago. It just took my tutor pretty much spelling it out for me to actually realise I genuinely could do with a couple of weeks extra time.

I had to go along to the hand-in along with everyone else as I had already agreed to meet someone there. So I had to just sit in amongst everyone while they handed over their work ready to take part in the assessment this week. Not meaning to be dramatic but it felt so awful. I'm not going to lie, I couldn't help but be  disappointed in myself. BUT I'll get over it.

Literally I as type I'm supposed to be presenting my work. At least the tutors will be able to have a little break :D.  I cant believe I'm actually jealous of people taking part. It's a really scary thing to do and WOW do your nerves come out!

I now have to fill out an Extenuating Circumstances form. Urgh I can't stand forms. A trip to the surgery was in order yesterday to ask for a specific doctors letter highlighting how a diagnosis and ongoing symptoms of epilepsy "adversely affects my assessment". FUN FUN!!

Good thing is I was pretty much ready to sit my assessment presentation wise. Which means that I can use this extra time to really work on my video piece :D which I REALLY need as I really don't have much of an idea how to create what I'm currently imagining it to look like. Technical computery type stuff is NOT my thing. I can safely announce I am RUBBISH at it. And well lets face it.. it's a completely new thing for me to learn and its going to take me a while!! Editing and creating sound for it is going to be the really hard bit for me but I think I have been able to enlist some helpers :D yay!

Right well I really do have a lot to get on with!

XX