The Artist Statement.

Ok so below is my ALMOST final artist statement for curreny university project. Hopefully it makes a least a little bit of sense and can reveal in a little more detail than previous posts what I am aiming to achieve with my work.

PA5 Artist Statement.

We all have questions we ask ourselves. But how many times have you ever found yourself having to ask “what is my name?” When losing grip on reality becomes your reality, a question as simple as this is suddenly the most significant you will ever have to ask yourself, although it doesn’t usually stand alone. For me it’s the beginning of a series of questions that become vital in regaining control of my own mind. I have to teach myself why I am in the situation I am living at that moment. I have to ask myself these questions to bring myself back to a state of understanding of my own conscious. 

Using myself and my personal experiences as subject my work looks to represent the altered states of consciousness related to seizures typical of epilepsy. In this case those termed as Tonic-Clonic and Absence seizures. As you return to consciousness following a seizure the state of confusion is incredibly intense. Nothing makes sense. Nothing looks, sounds or feels “right”. Surroundings shift and alter with no control. However there is nothing you can do but wait and let the moment sink in. The sense of relief as everything returns to normal is enormous. Although you know something is missing. That something is time. It has somehow slipped into a moment you cannot grasp. A moment where there is no structure, time, pain or feeling. Just an incomprehensible feeling of indefinite space. 

It is only when you try to describe the experience that you begin to realise just how inconceivable this moment was. It’s almost impossible to explain. It’s overwhelming. The need to fill that missing moment is so intensely urgent. It’s like trying to explain the most incredible sunset to someone who wasn’t there to witness it. There are only so many times you can attempt to describe it. If they were not there to experience it how can they possibly draw anything to compare it too? It is the same for when it comes to the subject of altered states of consciousness. It begs the question is it possible for someone who has never experienced a seizure to even begin to relate to the unbearable frustrations of missing time? Not to mention the intense threat that constantly looms over your every living moment. 

Using a combination of video, sound and photographic prints, it is the missing moments that a seizure creates and the confusion that immediately follows that I am attempting to visualise. I am in effect trying to make something that is essentially invisible, visible. To visualise a moment that has no structure, no time, no explanation, no image. A moment that is so unique to the one to have experienced it, it may be near impossible for an outside viewer to see.

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After a hugely refreshing full night sleep last night I've been busy gathering some more research ready for an assessment on Tuesday. 
My current university work is very basically trying to represent the sensations and experience of states consciousness felt during a seizure using myself and personal experience as subject.

Installation shot of Bill Viola's video piece - 'The Stopping Mind'
 

One of my main influences has been the artist Bill Viola. I find his work quite simply incredible. Anyway one of his pieces of video work titled 'The Stopping Mind' has truly grabbed my attention recently. Along with the video comes a voice over by the artist himself. It's quite long so I won't post the entire thing on here.. but there are a couple of quotes I have found from within it that I just have to share. 

“I see nothing. There is nothing. There is no light. There is no darkness. There is no volume. There is no distance. 

There is no sound. There is no silence. There is the sensation of space, but there is no image. “

Obviously I can't say the same for anyone but myself. But this quote pretty much sums up what I am trying to represent in my work. Along with:

“I imagine the black space. I imagine the silence. The darkness of no image. The silence of no sound. I imagine my body. I imagine my body in this dark space. The space is like a cloud of soft cotton, silent and weightless.” 

As I can’t remember the unconscious stage of a seizure all I can do is imagine what it is like. Again with this quote it’s as if Bill Viola has read my mind!

It’s very hard to imagine and a difficult subject to portray but hopefully I’ll get there. :) There are other stages of consciousness that I am looking at representing directly related to a seizure too. 

Better get on with it! 

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Another something to plan life around.

A mini bomb shell hit today. 

It's goes back to the whole not being able to drive any more thing... as most artists will be able to tell you, it's pretty unlikely you will just finish uni and end up in some well paid creative job you absolutely love without having to really work hard for it. It extremely likely you will need a full time job to fund your development of artwork or whatever you choose to do. A lot opt for the commercial side of photography like weddings etc. Yeeeeah imagine trying to do that without being able to drive. :(

It took a conversation where I was asked how I think epilepsy might effect my future plans to make me realise.

Why it hasn't entered my mind before now I have no idea.

Ahhh well another thing to try and figure out. But not for now.. my assessment is a week today and I still have a tonne of work to do so better get cracking on that first!

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The seizure, the tutorial and the receptionist.

Despite finding myself to have had a seizure at some point during the night last night  (I found myself on a pile of books and folders by the side of my bed rather than in it... and the scuffs down my arms and side along with a 'dodgy' hip....) Today was a good day all in all :)

Firstly I had a tutorial for my university work that went a million times better than I thought it would. I was quite frankly scared that my tutor would tell me my work just wasn't up to scratch or the quantity would not have been a high enough level for me to even think about attempting the assessment. There has been a lot of talk lately of taking out extenuating circumstances for my practise and for my dissertation. Yes the thought has crossed my mind.. so much so that it keeps me awake at night wondering what I should do. 

Questions and choices seem to have a habit of whirling around in my head in a freakingly fast rate!!

I can pretty much say that for my practical work at least I will NOT be taking out extenuating circumstances to gain extra time. I won't go to much into detail about the whole thing but despite  it seeming to be a brilliant opportunity to gain extra time to study has its repercussions. One of them being that it will eat into time that I need to spend elsewhere. And as much as some poeple would jump at the chance of extra time I have to think realistically and take everything in account. Life type things are pretty fragile at the moment so decisions like that are HUGE.

As for my dissertation... well that's still undecided to be honest.

Anyway during a general life discussion with my tutor during my tutorial (always a well needed and good place to vent) the subject of "why on earth have I not had any tests yet?!" came up. After explaining that notes had been misplaced, I was taken off the surgeries register etc etc... my tutor announced that I should just go to my doctor and cry. Good advice I'd say! I didn't do that though..just for the record... BUT I did decide to put my foot down and go to the surgery to demand some answers as to wether the neurology appointments etc I am STILL waiting for were in any way delayed because of the mistakes with my notes. For once there was a receptionist that was extremely helpful :D She calmly and with a smile (always a welcome sight) explained that no the appointments will not have been affected and I should just ring this number and find out where I am on the waiting list. Done. Simple. Now why on earth could this not have happened last time I went to find out what was going on?!??

So off I went home and rang the number she gave me. BINGO! I now know that my appointment will be sometime in the middle of February depending on the date I choose from a choice of three that will be given to me via a letter that should be arriving in the next week or so. 

YES!!!!!! I finally know around abouts when I might just get somewhere with whats going on inside my head.

This makes for a very happy Jade :)

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Dun dun dunnn assessment time!

I found out my up-coming assessment time and date today. 1st of February at 11 AM to be exact.

The PA5 assessment is basically a formal assessment of where our work is at at this point in the year. We will have to produce and present a 20 minute presentation of our work to date along with research, ideas, how we will further progress our work and our plans for the future etc etc. It's a pretty big deal, and we get graded on it.

With everything that's happened since Epilepsy entered my life during the summer I have talked to various people (tutors etc) about the possibility of not taking part in the assessment and submit during the summer instead. And I'm not going to lie the thought of not sitting has crossed my mind many times. It has it plus points in that I will have more time to research (at the moment reading is a massive issue in that I find it extremely hard to absorb information) and more time to formulate ideas etc. BUT I will not be able to graduate along with my fellow course mates. Plus where am I going to find the time to resit when I will hopefully have a full time job and trying to pay for my living in Cardiff... hopefully.. but that's another frightening issue all together.

But despite the fact that at the moment my brain is on constant 'go slow' mode, I have decided that I will take part in the assessment. :D!!!!

I have so so sooooo much work to do before then.

With that most of my next couple of weeks will be spent in the film darkrooms, digital darkroom, in front of my laptop, reading everything, oh and actually producing my presentation.. that might be helpful..

So busy busy busy!!!

See you on the other side!
XX

30 Min Epilepsy Documentary

Just watched this. It's a documentary filmed in North Wales about a group of young people living with Epilepsy. Simple and beautifully shot. A little insight into a life with Epilepsy.
 
Here's a link to it: Epilepsy Documentary

Worth a watch if you have the time :) It is filmed in Welsh but English subtitles are available by clicking the little owl logo in the bottom right hand corner.


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The letter.

Whilst I was staying at my dads over New Year I was handed a letter that had come in the post for me at the beginning of December. My dad had rung to tell me about it and said that it was just a letter saying I was no longer under the care of the a surgery as I was no longer residing in the local area. Fair enough. Now the letter didn't actually give a surgery name... just a name of a doctor.. no one I had seen before... so I just assumed that it was from the surgery I had temporarily registered at during the summer when all this started. Given that the letter was sent to my dads address and by now I had registered fully  (October) with my full time surgery down at university in Newport and had several appointments with a doctor by the time the letter was even sent.... I think I was safe to assume that the letter had come from my temporary surgery up at my dads.

However it turns out I was wrong... it was a letter of dismissal from my full time surgery near Newport!

....WHAT?!

So off to the Newport surgery I went on Monday thinking I had been sent the letter by mistake. Handing it over to the receptionist I asked if she could tell me why I got the letter. Firstly she asked if I was still living at my Newport address to which I answered yes. Then she went on to ask.. and since registering here at the beginning of October have you seen a doctor elsewhere? I replied no. By now she looked just as confused as I felt. Then she checked my medical account with them and told me that my account had been closed on the 30th of December and my records had been requested by the medical authority and so were no longer being held at the Newport surgery.

Given that I was literally holding my repeat prescription for medicine a literally NEED to stay upright  which was due to run out in a few days I immediately I started to panic. But THANKFULLY the receptionist just handed me a form to fill out to re-register at the surgery and my prescription could be sent through. I can't help but worry though. The form I filled out to re-register was the exact same form I had filled out at the beginning of October in the first place. So what's to stop all this happening again.

Basically it turned into this big pickle and now my medical notes are being held by the medical authority somewhere in Britain.Why I have been randomly removed from patient lists at both surgeries I have no idea.

All I can hope is that it won't delay any appointments I'm in line for. I'm currently waiting for an EEG and MRI and to see neurologist for a review. NOT things I want to have delayed any further! The suspense is crippling, I mean there could be anything going on inside my head :( not that I'm stressing about it or anything!!!!

It's scary that one letter can can change everything.  Out of nowhere I was taken off patient lists of both surgeries. Meaning my means of medicine vanished. Totally out of my control. It just emphasizes how much control I've lost. I constantly have to rely on someone somewhere and I really can't stand it.

Everyday I hope that the letter for my appointments will arrive in the post. All I want is some answers.

The very first Before and After.

As part of my current university project I have been recreating the very last moment I remember and the very first moment I remember before and after a seizure.
It was during the summer whilst living at my dads house that I started having what I now know where Tonic-Clonic Seizures. I went back there to stay for a week over New Year so for the first time had the opportunity to photograph the before and after images of my very first TC seizure.

 

*Missing Time*

Yep So I went from the top of these steps right to the bottom. I can tell you now it hurt A LOT!! Even now I can't remember most of that day. If I think back I remember being in my room at my laptop, then the top of the steps, then the bottom of them with a wall in my face feeling very sorry for myself, then to waking my dad up totally confused for help. The rest of the day and everything in between just doesn't exit in my memory. I dont even know how long I was lying there for. I only have little clues as to what happened. When I woke up I had bashed myself all over and hit my head VERY hard. There was blood all down my face but the most of it had dried apart from where it was bleeding from. I had my cars keys in my hand so I know I was on the way to my car. But I know I wasn't going to drive it though because I was wearing little sandals that I just wouldn't wear to drive.

Good times...  :/

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Doesn't time fly..

...when you have so much work to do!!!

In front of me I have:

• A pile of books
• Notebooks
• Numerous Camera's
• Various project photo's
• Laptop
• Every bit of stationary you could imagine a student to have
• Relevant dvd's
• And moreeee

BUT STILL I'm realllllly struggling to get any decent work out of myself. Ok so it's been a hectic few weeks blah blah blahhh but its the same for everyone so no excuse there! 

Although I do seem to have ideas and thoughts going around in my brain :D its just they only make themselves noticable when I'm trying to sleep! Typical. So its a matter of wake up find the light switch, grab my notebook and pen and try to scribble whatever it may be down before it vanishes again. WHY these things can't come to the surface when I've taken the time to specifically sit down with pen and paper to write stuff down and make some sort of sense out everything I don't know!

I have a All Day Review Seminar in less than a week in which I have to show 14ish other course mates what I've been up to for my project. Its a chance to bring everything together and sort of present your ideas and images etc to everyone in return for a little feedback. Our MASSIVE assessment is only a few weeks away for which we have to prepare a professional presentation. Scared much?! But hey hopefully this review seminar will be a good time to practise for it. 

I just wish I felt more confident about the whole thing and my work. I know I've learnt one thing... its incredibly difficult to explain to someone something that I dont truly understand myself and try to get them to feel how it feels to experience it. Which is sort of what my project is based on. Trying to find a way of showing someone else an experience you have gone through solely. In this case a seizure. But thats not the whole thing and arghhhh confusing. I'm going to stop typing now before I confuse myself even more...

Ahhhhh well better carry on stressing and trying to figure everything out!

Cheerio 

XX

Just thought I'd share :)

It's not exactly been a good few days for a various reasons. Arguements, tension, tiredness, expectations down the toilet, bad news, decisions that literally made my heart hurt and a whole load of tears. All related to this stupid Epilepsy.

It's almost impossible to be 100% positive but I refuse to be 100% negative. End of.

So I thought I'd share a little bit of positive :) 

Yesterday my dad and I went off roading. It's a huge passion of his and I absolutely LOVE being able to share it with him :) Although I rarely get the chance with living so far away. So for a few hours we drove off into the middle of nowhere and spent the time caped in mud, driving off rocks and mountains, clinging on for dear life and all with a constant massive smile! And for those few hours I totally forgot about just about everything else. Bliss. 

Heres just a few snaps

 

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Happy New Year

A little bit late in the day but....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

I hope you had a good time whatever you were doing :)

All the best for a happy and healthy year ahead.

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