It's good in the long run, of course it is, I mean it will hopefully mean that I gain some more control over seizures if not full control. But I know that it means a fair while not being myself. The way I term it to other people is it's as if I turn into a zombie for a until my body gets used to the new dose. I get tired, any motivation towards anything goes straight out the window and my mind wants to get up and go places but my body just out right refuses amongst other things. People say I turn into a completely different person. That upsets me the most. I hate not being me. I loose control. This delightful phone call came just after I'd had a chat with my tutor, a confidence boosting chat about life and the course and how much more positive everything seems this time around. In fact he said I seem like a different person in a positive way compared to this time last year and can tell I'm learning to live with it all. I needed someone to tell me that.
I shouldn't really complain about what will hopefully only be a short term affect. But it's just the timing is terrible I've just started back at uni, things are getting serious in terms of being able to graduate this year already, I'm seeing some of my family I barely ever get to see in about a week and so on. I guess I just have to accept that I am going to be on these mind altering/slowing/clouding medicines for the foreseeable future. I'd much rather have that than the seizures themselves. I need to focus on the long term positives as they say. Sometimes it's just harder than it first seems.
I really hope this is the last time I have to increase any dosages.
Ok venting over.
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