Change of focus.

I 'pitched' an idea to my tutor today as to what I propose on researching and producing photographic art as a response to, over the next uni year. In really narrowed down terms I'm looking at the craving of stability and control in life. Something that I myself have had trouble with for along time. Now, when I say pitched what I actually mean is, as soon as I sat down at the desk I tripped over just about every sentence and word I had to say ending up in babbling stuff nervously to him in a pretty confusing way. Amazingly though he understood what I was trying to say and was very very helpful in helping me try to get to grips with what I'm looking to research as best he could.

Last year my project was focusing on the seizures of Epilepsy and looking at the truly unique experience that a person goes through when they experience a seizure and how close you can get to sharing this experience with someone who has never experienced anything like it. Revealing and visualising a moment that is invisible. Gosh it's hard to explain. Here is my Artist Statement from the project which may throw a little more light on what I was aiming towards if it interests you. Anyway it was all very personal which I am completely fine with I mean lets face it seizures aren't exactly something that can easily be hidden. But given that the whole Epilepsy diagnosis thing was so very fresh and such a steep and life altering learning curve at that time (it still is...) it was very hard to not have ANY escape from the fact with it being part of life and part of study. 

This year I am still looking at the effects of Epilepsy but not in such a predominant way. It will be part of a slightly broader project. I want to look into the idea of people craving stability and control in their lives. Using myself and my personal earlier life events and aspects to highlight and gain ideas from. Epilepsy is unavoidably the bass line to my new work focus. It's such a huge part of my life now it would be silly to try and ignore it when I'm working on looking into the idea of people craving stability and control in life. After today I have realised that without it's constant presence in my life recently I would not have began to really think about earlier events in my life which have now become something I want to investigate further and use to create work from. This summer being a real eye opener into my current life's state. I barely stayed in one place for more than a week. Even when I did manage to ground myself in one place for about two weeks... seizures landed me in hospital. Shows how little control I do have. I won't go to far into these 'events' right now but it very basically involves being bounced in between people and place from a very young age. How it led to my becoming so used to surroundings constantly shifting and changing that I now get almost uncomfortable when I stay somewhere for too long. Resulting in me actively organising my life so I am almost constantly on the move. 

I am aware that I'm rambling on a bit. I need to get my idea's straight before I can make any real sense. It was a really good tutorial though and I feel like I'm already in a strong position in terms of immediately carrying out research and beginning to create work.

So with what said I'm going to carry on my tradition of shifting myself to another place for a while and hop on a train to Devon in the morning. Better get some sleep.

Uni take 2 - Day One

Today was my first day at university this year. I don't think it's sank in yet. Needless to say I am shattered!!! It was a full day though of no stop talks and discussion. In a good way though :)

I was so nervous. I can't put my finger on exactly why I was just SO nervous I mean don't get me wrong I was excited too but more nervous. I think maybe I was scared that I would be meeting all these new people I'm about to spend the rest of the year with and I just kept imagining I would meet them say hello and BAM I would have a seizure. In fact I dreamt about it. It's all silly really. Plus I really shouldn't be stressing about it because that's more likely to bring on a seizure!! I know I had a couple of smaller ones because as I was sitting there I noticed I has missed what the tutors were saying a couple of times nothing major though thankfully :)

So the day is over, it was ok :) It's going to take me a while to get used to being in a new year with new people though. Plus I already have a to do list that is just ridiculously long. Plenty for me to do in the next couple of days.I just hope I can get it all done, I don't fancy starting the year on a downer... Luckily I'm feeling pretty motivated when it comes to getting things done just hoping the energy levels stay up :) 

Officially re-enrolled :)

Thursday was just brilliant. :D I had a good lie in and actually woke up feeling relatively refreshed for once! I popped up to uni for a study support session for an hour where my tutor and I went through the dreaded Harvard Referencing Guide urgh that thing is truly horrendous and near impossible to understand. But saying that after going through it all with her bit by bit with her pretty much translating it into a more basic language I'm happy to say I left the session feeling pretty confident.

I got back home, did pretty much nothing for a while, then my friend arrived and moved in to the house :D so we're all settled in and ready to get back to studying. I then finally went back up to the university to re-enrol to re-sit my final year... yes that’s right it's official, I am now re-enrolled on my university course!! It feels weird... like it’s not quite real yet. I have my first meeting and introduction to the year on Tuesday. This will be the first time I will meet the class I'm going to be joining. I'm nervous... it'll be like starting at a new school and I've done that a good few times in the past, but I'm excited too to meet new people :) Fingers crossed this year will go a bit better health wise... that would be much appreciated dear brain...!

The evening was spent chatting with friends over a drink in the students union. It was nice, really nice actually :) and very much needed.

Anyway I'm knackered after walking around town a lot today so a cup of tea and an early night is needed. X

Take Epilepsy Action Campaign

There is a brilliant campaign hitting Britain over the next few weeks. Take Epilepsy Action. Headed of course by the charity Epilepsy Action.

Campaign Website

This is the video used within the campaign :)

Remember ACTION for tonic-clonic seizures:

	Assess Assess the situation – are they in danger of injuring themselves? Remove any nearby objects that could cause injury
	Cushion Cushion their head (with a jumper, for example) to protect them from head injury
	Time Check the time – if the seizure lasts longer than five minutes you should call an ambulance
	Identity Look for a medical bracelet or ID card – it may give you information about the person’s seizures and what to do
	Over Once the seizure is over, put them on their side (in the recovery position). Stay with them and reassure them as they come round
	Never Never restrain the person, put something in their mouth or try to give them food or drink				For more information: www.epilepsy.org.uk/campaigns

Mentally catching up!

I seem to be on a bit of a role mentally which is awesome. I'll explain... despite having a ton of what I now think are Complex Partial Seizures the other day (that I managed to catch on video by leaving my webcam on - very strange to see) I recovered relatively quickly :) The past couple of days I have been feeling pretty motivated to crack on with some university work! Big plus since I enrol on Thursday woooo! Every night and morning I have something new to add to my notes I haven't decided on one specific idea yet but then as I'm sure many artists will agree ideas change and evolve all the time anyway. For our first tutorial we are supposed to have a whole host of things to inform our tutors about in relation to a relatively specific idea. Things that we should have thought about and acquired during the summer months but well let's face it I've had other things on my mind :/ not that I want to use that as an excuse in anyway! Any who I'm getting there slowly :) and I'm surprised how much my brain power seems to be letting me do so. My body however is thinking the opposite, I'm very tired physically but hey as long as I remember to keep it slow and not over do things hopefully I can keep going for longer. I'm not particularly happy about the whole not much energy thing though as it's freshers week and there is soooo much on offer to do and people to meet but I can't let myself do to much. I can't help but feel jealous when it comes to things like that. 

Anyway in other good news one of friends moved in last night :D no more living alone and soo good to have them bumbling around the house. Another friend moves in on Thursday I can't wait for then either it's going to be lovely living with them I can feel it already :)

I'd better crack on with work while my brain allows it. X

A chat with the nurse.

I spoke to my nurse over the phone on the other day. We talked about the nightmares and hallucinations. It felt really strange talking to someone I don't know very well about them. Hearing myself explain what happens during them out loud was actually quite unnerving and dare I say it I felt like it was crazy talk. Slightly worryingly she really wasn't sure what to make of it all and said how unusual it was. She also said it is very unlikely it was a side effect of the Keppra and Vimpat I am currently taking. To be honest this worries me... I was really expecting her to say something along the lines of "ahh yes it's just a side effect don't worry about it, it should pass." Now I don't know what to think. 

I also mentioned that while the Vimpat does seem to have reduced the number of smaller seizures I'm having (wooooo!) I do still get days where I have seizure after seizure for hours on end. I assume they are whats classed as a cluster of seizures as opposed to status epilepticus which was mentioned when I told someone else about them. I assume it's not status as after a few hours the seizures go from one straight after another to them becoming further and further apart until I eventually stop seizing and just sleep for a VERY long time. In other words I come out of this by myself with no need for any other meds.

So the outcome of this little conversation is that she will be talking to my neurologist next week about "the matters" and will ring me back with what the neuro thinks in good time. In the mean time I will sit and wait. At least I have time to reflect on the fact there is now "patient has reported seeing spiders spill out of plug holes" written somewhere in my notes... Yaaaay! Oh but the conversation did end with "don't worry Jade I don't think you're going mad..." Which I suppose is a good point?...

Waking nightmares..

A while ago I mentioned that I had been having nightmares. In the last few weeks they have been getting more and more frequent. Strangely on a couple of occasions I seem to have experienced very weird experiences similar to nightmares but while I have been awake... Hallucinations maybe? 

They are all so vivid and so very real at the time, but they are all so different. I'll give an example of one of the 'awake' ones... This is a rather cliche one... I was in the shower and suddenly looked at my feet and saw countless amounts of spiders spilling out of the plug hole and rushing around my feet and up the sides of the bath. I don't know whether I screamed or not but I wanted to. And my heart felt like it needed to burst out of my chest, like when you almost trip down the stairs. Shortly after (I don't know how long) I looked down again and they were all gone. Everything was back to the way it was.  It doesn't sound much written down but I just can't explain the way it feels so intense and real at the time. It literally leaves me shaken. 

Anyway they are weird and the ones while I'm sleeping are really starting to get on my nerves. Sometimes it's seems like I have them all night... I wake up from one fall back to sleep and bam another one arrives! Very annoying. Of course then I get less sleep and end up knackered the next day which in turn can lead the likelihood of more seizures. NOT GOOD. I'm not sure if it's 'me' or maybe a side effect of the medicine. I'll do a little research and see I suppose. 

The graduation...

That should have been...

Yesterday was the day of my former classes graduation. I attended the event to see off everyone I had gotten to know over the last three years :) It was a brilliant occasion.  It was really lovely to watch them all walk across that stage dossing their mortar boards in their fancy robes... but I'm not going to hide the fact it was hard. I'm not quite talking in the ready to burst into tears sense, it's just I should have been one of those students. That should have been my graduation as well, so needless to say I was and still am a little envious. But if I push my feelings aside it was a really, really lovely day and so nice to see everyone was so happy :)

Congratulations to the class of 2011!! You all deserve all that you have achieved. I wish you all the very best for the future :)

X

Camera Wish!

I've had my eye on this camera for a while now. The Canon EOS 600D 

The current love of my life camera wise is my Canon EOS 450D

I can almost hear people thinking "well if you've already got on decent camera WHY would you want to spend money on another??"

Well here's my reasoning (more to keep telling myself than anyone else..)

Photography is something I will always at practise and with any luck will have make a full on career out of it. Ideally I would need at least two digital SLR's as I've come to realise with with photographing more and more events. There's only so much one lens can achieve so I constantly find myself having to change lenses to suit the situation and of course with most events it'd almost impossible to determine what is about to occur. Anything from the change in pace to a difference in lighting. It's in those moments spent changing over lenses or whilst you've got on particular lens on that you miss a fabulous shot. So to help with this carrying at least two camera's on you each with a different lenses makes it all the more likely you will be prepared for all situations and subjects.

I am a little over protective with my camera's which you have to be it's not like they're cheap and I pretty much think my life would be ruined if I we're to damage one of them. How I would cope without a camera I have no idea. It would not be good though... And seeing as now I've taken to throwing myself on the floor without notice whenever my brain feels like it again means I'm more likely than the average person to damage valuables such as my beautiful camera's! *Touch wood* though I haven't managed to land on it or throw it on the floor yet and hopefully never will.

Plus this new Canon 600D had a whole host of features that I keep reading about over and over again and I really really want to experiment with them. One of the main ones being HD motion film. Of course there are plenty of other camera's available out there but given that I already have a canon EOS digital SLR with a range of lenses if I were to purchase the 600D I will still have the choice to use the lenses and other kit I already have :D BONUS!

My current digital SLR has been by my side for a number of years and I absolutely LOVE IT. In fact I don't know where I would be without it. If I we're to pluck up the courage to splash out on the 600D my current 450D will carry on being just as treasured that's for sure :)

I'm hoping to be able to afford it soon(ish) It's quite a good price actually one that I can see myself being able to afford if I save for a little while but I definitely can't at the moment. Something nice to aim towards :)

Comfortably Numb

I can't remember if I have posted this before.

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb. I love this song. I prefer to listen to it LOUD and when I can't do much else but lie on my bed. The lyrics resonate, and that guitar solo... well what can I say! :)

Plenty to be getting on with.

So as I type it would seem that the rain and low grey cloud has arrived and settled in for the week. Joy of joys. The house seems more quiet and empty tonight than usual. I don't really no why... maybe I'm just feeling a bit lonely, I miss my little hamster Sesame running around causing a nuisance. I'm snuggled in a fluffy blanket with a cup of hot chocolate though so I'll survive :)

For a week that was almost completely empty on my calender this week has suddenly filled right up! Tomorrow I'm going to visit a study support lady up at the university, I'm quite intrigued as to what the little meeting will entail. I know we will be discussing my memory issues and anything else that I have found to massively effect my ability to study efficiently. The lady will be my study support worker for this entire year so it will be nice to meet her :). Then Tuesday I'm treating myself to a hair cut :D I can't wait.. with a mixture of everything I look really drab at the moment and reckon a fresh hair cut will liven my appearance up a bit and if nothing else cheer me up a bit! Wednesday one of my friends who is going to move in with me in a couple of weeks is visiting for the night. It'll be nice to see him and have a good catch up. Then Thursday I have a hospital appointment (always fun.. although not Epilepsy related for once) in the morning, then one of my friends who I used to live here with is arriving with her family and staying for a few nights as it's her graduation the next day. Plus Xavier the hamster arrives :D Yep I am hamster sitting for just over a week for a another friend which will be nice :) Good to have another presence in the house. Sounds strange but like I said I am sitting in a completely empty house and even having just Sesame in the house made a huge difference. I miss her. But Friday is the most exciting day of all as it's said graduation. The class of 2011 that I was in for almost 3 years are graduating. It'll be a bitter sweet ocaasion I am well aware as I will be watching the graduation I was supposed to be a part of but putting that aside I can't wait to see everyone again!!

Yeah pretty busy (and rainy) week coming up, I just hope I can muster up more energy than I have right now. It's seems to be in rather short supply of late with actually sleeping becoming more of a priority to most things :( Shame, but hey I get to see lots of people this week and WILL enjoy it!

One Vital Habit

One weekly habit well an truly ingrained into life. The pill box ritual! My memory is so shocking nowadays without my trusty little pill box I'm pretty sure I would not remember to take my medicine everyday at the right times. Or at least I don't trust myself to! So once a week I get my medicine packets out, sit on my bed and count out what I need for the entire week. Fun stuff... :)

I know a lot of people are returning to school this week and the next couple. Good luck and have a great year!
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