Tonight I'm not feeling overly great. Really rather miserable actually for no particular reason though, it's just one of those days. I've stayed out of the way of my family just looking for some alone time hanging out with the cat.
It's night time now and despite being tired I'm not in the mood to sleep.. sounds odd that doesn't it? I think I might get into one of those over-thinking everything moods if I lay my head on the pillow and shut my eyes. I know sleep won't come yet and I don't want to go where I think my brain might take me. My music has been playing quietly in the background while I've been creating a craft piece that I've been asked to make for a charity auction. The song "shine" sung by Birdy came on and I couldn't help but listen to every word. I'm not usually an overly emotional person and I certainly don't wear them on my sleeve but my goodness does this songs lyrics just about some up everything thats flying around in my head tonight. Here's a link... It's a beautiful song :)
You see at the moment I'm trying to decide what to do with my life and I find myself in the clutches of career decision making. It consumes my thoughts almost constantly both positively and negatively. I think I've decided that I would indeed like to progress into the field of radiology, either diagnostics or therapeutic thus combining my passion for imagery and newly acquired fascination with medicine. Either that or become a healthcare assistant. In order to do this I would like to study for a diploma in health and social care and this requires working or volunteering in a healthcare setting. I'm hoping that maybe I will be able to gain some experience in a care home or somewhere similar but that's a whole other quest in itself as I live in the middle of nowhere and with seizures I of course no longer have a drivers licence. So I'm pretty stuck unless I can negotiate some strange working hours to match the sporadic may as well not exist bus timetable for the nearest bus stop which of course is a car journey in itself away. I'll cross that bridge if and when I ever get to it.
Alas with every excitable feeling I get it's quickly knocked by a negative feeling of what if it's not possible? What if my seizures get in the way and stop me from progressing and achieving my aims? I've fought hard against it before though when they tried their hardest to stop me from completing my degree. Seizures didn't win that time and I'm hoping to make damn sure that it doesn't happen this time either. The thought is always there though, whispering threats at me constantly.
I know it's silly to dwell on the negativities of life but sometimes it hard to do anything else.
Hi Jade. Good to know you are back home and I hope things progress well for you. Have you heard of the Access to Work Scheme? It might help with travel costs etc. Here is the link.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.gov.uk/access-to-work/what-youll-get All the best.
Jade, don't concentrate on the negative. visualize all the GOOD things in life that you KNOW will come to you. Release your strong grasp on trying to force things to happen, and let the Spirit take you on the path that will take you to the fulfillment in your life. Whatever you think about the most is what you project, and what comes back to you. Why not make it the BEST things that you think about most. I know you will succeed in your goals!!!
ReplyDeleteMy mind does the same most nights...it's really really depressing! And upsetting. I've lost count of how many times I've gone to bed and ended up sobbing my heart out on Matts shoulder because I don't know what to do. More to the point, I do know what I want to do...but it's seeming more and more impossible! Anyway, you're not alone chick!
ReplyDeleteHi Jade. First time I've been on your blog and it's excellent. Similarly to you I was diagnosed later in life (18) but that was a long time ago now as I'm 41, married with two beautiful kids. I'm very lucky in that I rarely have seizures anymore but did have my first in three years a few days ago. It knocked me for six hence why I started searching the web to see how other people deal with the issue. There are some really positive points on your blog and I already feel less miserable this morning and set up to enjoy the sunshine. Thanks!
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