To say it in the tamest way possible... in the space of a week my entire little world has come crashing down around me. (As in life world not me literally crashing down... just to get that clear!)
It all went down hill from 4 o'clock on Thursday. I was in my feedback session discussing the work I had produced and was pleasantly surprised with the grade I got :) but it just took everything I had to get to that point and deep down I always new I could do so much better. I can't remember exactly what was said but something just panged inside me and I realised that this just wasn't going to work. So I left the session with a million more questions and worries than when I went in. For the few hours following I just thought and thought about the option of just stopping everything altogether just toying with the idea more than anything. Then, that evening completely out of the blue came a phone call from my local neurology and specialist epilepsy department. It was the first contact I've had with anyone down in South Wales to do with my diagnoses other than my GP. (I was diagnosed after seeing a neurologist up in North Wales but asked to have everything transferred down to South Wales where I'm studying). So I ended up having a over-phone consultation type thing in which we discussed the medicine I'm taking, my seizure diary and the newer 'symptoms' I've been experiencing. For now it would seem my Tonic-Clonic seizures have become far less frequent (about one every six weeks now :D!) Unfortunately after explaining these newer symptoms I found out that as much as I hoped they were side affects of the Keppra they told me that they are extremely likely to in fact be other forms of seizure. And was told that these would be investigated further when I see my new neurologist in April.
However it was decided there and then that I would up my dosage of Keppra immediately. Judging by how awful it made me feel when I've upped the dose in the past I know that this is going to horrid. There are the short term effects which include waking up feeling sick and it not easing until 2/3 in the afternoon and the lovely exhaustion but also the long term effects. My memory, concentration and pretty much anything needed to study effectively have already been hugely impacted by this brain taming drug and this is only going to add to it.
Basically the phone call confirmed what I had deep down known for a while. It is just too much for me to cope with for now. So taking everything into account I have made the decision to suspend my study and re-start either in September this year or March next year. It is one of the biggest decisions I have ever had to make. I'm just so exhausted with trying to keep up. At the end of the day I KNOW I can do so much better with more time. I'm not talking grades as such but also how I feel towards the work I create and my general learning experience. I just need some time to slow down and clear my brain of the stress that's only been adding to the fog of Epilepsy.
It amazes me how much can change in such a short amount of time. This time last week I was at uni waiting to here how I'd got on in my assessment and planned to carry on with everything how it was and graduate this summer. I don't in any way mean to sound dramatic or anything but I don't know anything else at the moment. Uni was the only thing I had to cling onto for now. I've lost my job, so much of my freedom I don't even want to think how much and now the only thing I could really focus on is gone as well.
I don't know what happens next which scares me more than anything. I like my control and to have a least a basis of a plan for the immediate future but I suppose I'll just have to see how it goes.
I still have more meetings and options to sift through before I officially hand over my forms.
Some good luck is most definitely needed!
